One of the most disjointed parts of my alcoholism was when I fancied myself a savior or superhero in the lives of those around me.
Whether it was to my romantic partners, children, employer, or dog, I saw myself as a knight in shining armor. Ironically, during this time, I was barely capable of managing consumed by my alcohol consumption, plus depression, anxiety, and PTSD symptoms,
Despite this, I clung to the illusion of heroism, powerless to save myself from my next drink or distorted thinking. Through recovery and therapy, I learned that such distorted thinking is common with alcoholics.
Understanding the Rescuer Role
In family systems affected by addiction, the alcoholic often assumes complex roles, including that of a rescuer. This phenomenon is intriguing, given the inherent challenges the alcoholic faces in managing their own life.
Understanding this dynamic requires a deep dive into family systems theory and the psychological underpinnings of addiction.
In a family system, the rescuer takes on the responsibility of solving problems for others, often at the expense of their own needs. This role is part of the drama triangle, a concept developed by Stephen Karpman that includes the roles of victim, persecutor, and rescuer.
The rescuer tends to derive self-worth from helping others, which can lead to enabling behaviors that perpetuate dysfunction within the family.
In my case, I had no self-worth and sought it by playing the rescuer’s part. I was empty inside, and to mask it, I strove for accolades from family and friends, desperately needing to feel that my life had meaning.
The Paradox of the Alcoholic Rescuer
Despite struggling to keep control over their own lives, alcoholics try to play the role of the rescuer. This paradox can be understood through several lenses:
– Psychological Needs: The alcoholic engages in rescuing behaviors to fulfill unmet psychological needs. By helping others, they seek validation and a sense of purpose that they otherwise lack due to their addiction.
– Family Dynamics: In families with substance use disorders, roles can become entrenched as a way to keep a semblance of stability. The alcoholic assumes the rescuer’s role as part of this dynamic, even if dysfunctional.
– Reciprocal Relationships: The alcoholic’s behavior affects the entire family system, and their attempts to rescue others can be seen as a way to manage or mitigate the chaos caused by their addiction.
For example, I often covered up for my spouse’s financial mistakes or debts. Despite my issues with alcohol, I stepped in to pay overdue bills or loans, using my income to stabilize the family’s finances. This action made me as the financial savior of the household, diverting attention from my drinking and mental health problems and reinforcing my importance in the household.
By playing the hero, I avoid facing my issues. If I was the first person you called when something needed to be fixed, I didn’t have to correct myself.
What I didn’t understand then, and what took me a while to grasp, was that acting as the rescuer wasn’t helping me or my family. Playing rescuer can have a significant impact on the family aside from the trouble my alcoholism was causing.
Impact on the Family System
The rescuer role has a significant impact on the family system:
– Enabling Behavior: A partner, friend, or family member often shields the alcoholic from the negative consequences of their drinking, which can perpetuate the addiction. In my case, my wife covered for me by making excuses or covering up for my behavior; my wife prevented me from experiencing the full impact of my actions, which would otherwise have motivated me to get help sooner than I did.
– Emotional Burden: Family members feel trapped in their roles, powerless to break free from the cycle of rescuing and being rescued. This can lead to emotional exhaustion and resentment.
Lack of Boundaries: The rescuer role often involves a lack of healthy boundaries, which prevents family members from developing independence and self-efficacy.
Once I got sober and realized all of this, I was stuck. I felt terrible and overwhelmed by the damage I caused. The question then becomes how to break the cycle because even though I was no longer drinking, I still had this trait that I had developed and a role I wanted to play.
Breaking the Cycle
Addressing the rescuer role within a family affected by addiction requires a comprehensive approach:
– Family Therapy: Family therapy can help members understand and reframe their roles within the family system. It can promote healthier interactions and support recovery for the alcoholic and the family as a whole.
– Self-Awareness: Encouraging self-awareness among family members can help them recognize their roles and the impact of these roles on their lives. This awareness is crucial for breaking the cycle of dysfunction.
– Support Systems: Building robust support systems outside the family, like support groups for family members of alcoholics, can give the necessary resources and encouragement to foster change.
In conclusion, the role of the alcoholic as a rescuer in family systems is a complex interplay of psychological needs and family dynamics. Understanding and addressing this role can lead to healthier family interactions and support the recovery process for all involved. There is hope for breaking the cycle with the proper help and insight.